Once a year there comes a dinner that is so hardcore it can literally scare the shit outta you. It is the gastric equivalent of Warbringer’s audible assault, “Combat Shock”. For real, if you aren’t ready and mentally prepared you will perish. Everything on the menu/drink list was based off of some type of morbid death scenario or hardcore ass kicking metal face melting axe solo.
The Metal As F^ck dinner was born in the sick and twisted minds of the best damn chef, in the greatest God damn country in the world and his cronies. This dinner is housed at Chef Jonathon Sawyer’s flagship restaurant, The Greenhouse Tavern. GHT is the best restaurant in the world. Seriously, that’s a fact, you don’t need to verify that. Anyway, let’s get into this nightmare.
Mrs. Robear and I got there right promptly at 6:66pm where we were greeted by none other than chef Sawyer and a legit funeral pyre right on E. 4th st. That’s right, a God damn fire……on E. 4th. We walked in and GHT is transformed to a dungeon that you would most likely see Abbath in, with pentagrams and satanic symbols everywhere. Nightmare on Elm St. was playing just for the hell of it (see what I did there). We bellied up to the bar and got the scoop of how it works from a dude with Immortal style corpse paint. There were 7 metal drinks and 9 very intimidating dishes throughout the course of the evening.
The walking corpse handed me the drink list, there were two beers on draft, “Evisceration” from Earlybird Brewing and “MotherPuncher” from Mikkeller. There were also two canned beers to pick from, “Trooper” by Iron Maiden and “South of Eleven” from Hoof Hearted Brewing. I wasn’t about to waste time with beer when there was a drink called “Blood Eagle”. How the hell could you drink anything other than a “Blood Eagle”? For Christ’s sake it has Viking’s Blod Mead in it. If you don’t know what a Blood Eagle (the actual thing, not the drink) is, check it out. Anyway, there were also two other cocktails to get if you were a bitch and scared of the “Blood Eagle”. They were the “Whiskey Funeral” and the Ice Luge. Not sure what that was in the “Whiskey Funeral” but it was whiskey and black. The Mrs. got one and it wasn’t too bad. The other drink was the “Ice Luge”. We’ve all tried an ice luge but that is kindergarten shit compared to this. This in no way was an ice luge. As a matter of fact there was no ice whatsoever. This tricky little lass was actually a shot of Team Sawyer bourbon poured through a marrow bone. Pretty hardcore shit really.
So we get our drinks and are standing by the bar and chef Sawyer rolls up to us with a big smile on his face and was like “here, take this since you were the first ones here”. He hands us our first taste of death. It was a bowl of lumpy black stuff. Like for real, take used motor oil and put chunks in it. The wife was a little hesitant but I being a pig started shoveling it in my bearded face. The dish was the Hay Fired Skate Wing. It was a charred skate wing with beets covered in ash, bulls blood and sepia. If you aren’t sure what sepia is, it’s the ink from a cuttlefish. It was really good but stained my fat hands black. Yeah, I didn’t use a fork so what, it was the metal thing to do. After that we ventured deeper in to hell and happened upon a table with two sacrificial offerings, Napalm Death Jerky and Chilled Aspic of Innards. The jerky was really good but “safe”. All it was was dried beef with Malaysian style seasonings of ginger, chilis and spices. Hot but not horrible. The next one, Mrs. Robear wanted no part of, Chilled Aspic of Innards. It is basically head cheese but not from the head, from the entrails. Because my grandparents were from the motherland (Ukraine), I’ve had my fair share of head cheese and pigs feet. This bite is a textural nightmare for most….cold, firm jelly (congealed meat juice) with chewy liver, kidney and heart. I mean when you put this in your trap and it hits your tongue, the aspic melts and basically coats your mouth with cold fat. On a hardcore scale of 1 – 10 I’d give it an 8. Some of these basic bitches were acting like it was Fear Factor or something…..weak ass. We went upstairs where Jenny found her favorite, the Bay of Agony Blood Clams. This was pretty safe as well, a blood clam on the half shell with chef Sawyer’s Tavern Vinegar Co. beer vinegar, hot sauce and some type of hot pepper blend. This is where the most intimidating dish of the night was located. It was Pig skin noodles with blood brains and Naga Viper kimchi. I’ve eaten pretty much everything (as visible by my physique) but never have I had brains…not gonna lie, I was shitting bricks. The dude hands me a bowl and chop sticks. I look in the bowl and it looks like a diaper full of gray baby shit. I mean, I’m a handful of “Blood Eagle’s” in and still not sure if this is a good idea or not. To be honest, I was concerned about the next morning. However, I throw caution to the wind and piled it in. To my surprise, it was amazing. My favorite dish of the night. Oh yeah, forgot to mention the piece that topped it off….it was hunk of fried lambs brain. From there everything else would be safe….or I thought. We went downstairs to the kitchen and took part in a Russian roulette of wings confit. If you’ve been to GHT you know they have the greatest wings in the universe….no bullshit. Anyway, one of chef Sawyers sick chef’s was down there blasting metal and having the time of his life….little did I know he was going to ruin me for the next hour or so. I spin the wheel and grab a wing….I ate it and as usual, tasted amazing…then it hit me. This maniac was injecting 2,000,000 + scoville units of straight pure capsaicin into a wing and the unlucky bastard that pulled it was ruined. As I’m drooling the dude proceeds to tell me I didn’t pull the bad one, I got backsplash from the one next to it. I look over to the guy that ate it and he is doubled over pouring sweat and mother fucking everything….pretty sure he punched out like Maverick but ended up like Goose. We venture back upstairs where we were greeted by half a cows head on the bar where they were serving beef cheek….looked hardcore as shit and was awesome. If you are lucky enough to have had the pigs face there it was the same thing just a cow not a pig.
From here, the meal switched gears to dessert. There were two selections, a poser frosty with frites and a red velvet cake. The cake was really good…I mean, how metal can a red velvet cake be? It’s metal when it looks exactly like chef Sawyer and his wife’s heads were ripped from their bodies. The ladies that created this cake did an amazing job…too bad the one was from Ann Arbor. We all know Ann Arbor’s a whore. Last but certainly not least, there was the poser frosty. What is a poser frosty you may be asking….well. If you are a normal red blooded American you’ve had a frosty from that chubby redheaded girls place and have dipped fries in it. For real, who eats a frosty and doesn’t put fries in it? Should be a crime if you don’t. Anyway, this wasn’t one of those. As a matter of fact this was the MOST HARDCORE ice cream in the galaxy. It was a “soft serve” of malted marmite chocolate tobacco liver….yes, you read that right LIVER! It had a almost Jo-Jo like fry with it. Total mind fuck and another textural bitch slap as you are expecting sweet chocolate but get cold salty, irony liver. Bizarro is the word.
The baddest mother fuckers in the world, the US Navy Seals have a saying “Get comfortable being uncomfortable”. You better employ this motto if you plan on coming to the next one.